apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
