my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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