i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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