In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
