I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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