he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
