Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
