Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The best revenge is premature balding
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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