I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
