Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
