I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
