Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
BRING THE BAGELS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
