and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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