i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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