if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
