we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
