Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
