Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Someone came in the potted fern
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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