Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
