guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
