we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
