the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
