On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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