Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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