We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
