Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
