if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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