ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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