Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize