His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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