when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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