If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
