His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
