Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
