life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
