I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
