what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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