Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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