you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Enjoy the penises
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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