i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize