just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The uberlube is also flammable
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
