I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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