My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm both gender and math confused
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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