my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
