Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
