Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
