I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize