I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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