i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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