Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
