oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
