if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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