I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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