Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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