I must be too annoying 4 u.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
