You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
