so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
