Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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