this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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