My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
