Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
