So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize