i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
