i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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