tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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