omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
