Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
